Wow.... it has been some time

Wow. It has been over two years since I posted on this blog.

Recently, I’ve been reminded of the importance of having a platform—an outlet. Somewhere you can leave it all out there. For me, blogging is a little like talking to a therapist while using the tools and coping skills you’ve learned to process life.

I know I’m not alone in my struggles. Others face similar situations, and maybe something I’ve gone through will help someone else navigate their own messes and struggles. So, here we go again.

Like a journal, I use blogging to express my thoughts and feelings, process what I’m going through, and hopefully always leave a little nugget someone else can hold onto. I have a lot to say. Today is just the start.

So, Where Am I Now?

Where did I go? What happened?

Looking back at when I was blogging before, I was in a completely different place in my life. It’s crazy how much has changed, while at the same time, some patterns still try to replay themselves. Those are the things I’m working really hard to break in this season of my life.

I’m now married—for the third time.

For a while, I saw that as a failure. Or at least, I saw being married and divorced twice as one. People talk. Things are said. Judgments are made. When you’re a two-time divorcee, there are looks, whispered conversations, and backtalk that can damage your self-esteem and your mind if you let it. I had moments where I let those judgments get to me.

My last divorce came after a five-year relationship with an alcoholic who had narcissistic tendencies and erratic behaviors related to underlying, undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Life was hell at times, and I ultimately had to escape for myself and my children.

Coming out of that second marriage, I felt like an utter failure.

I stayed with my first ex-husband and my four children. After about three months, I decided to start dating again, trying to find myself. I remember feeling completely lost. My first ex-husband would often stay with his significant other, while I was home with four kids, trying to figure out what to do with my life after being a stay-at-home mom for several years.

I was lost. I was depressed. I didn’t know what I was doing.

Then I met my next significant other. What followed was a seven-year relationship, including an engagement, family trips, countless highs and lows, and ultimately the realization that I deserved more than he was willing—or perhaps capable—of giving me. He was a covert narcissist. Something that is very hard to untwine from every aspect of your life. It has been a process that I am still continuing to heal from.

I knew I needed to end it after seven years.

Another failed relationship.

Thank God it never became another marriage.

God Was Still Leading Me

Through every one of those failed relationships, God urged me, guided me, stayed with me, and continued to love me. He was leading me toward my now husband.

The people around me felt like a different story.

I met my now husband about three months after things ended from the previous relationship. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was looking for a friend—someone to keep my attention so I wouldn’t go back to the toxicity I had lived in for at least the previous four or five years.

So, we chatted. Non-stop.

He was different. He understood that I was healing. I wasn’t looking for anything except a good friend, but he quickly became my best friend.

It felt like God—and my late friend Hogan—were guiding me toward this man. Someone gentle. Someone who understood me, understood mental health, and understood that neither of us was perfect. We had both been through a lot. We both had wounds.

Whoops! I quickly fell for this man who turned my life, mind, and heart upside down—in all the good ways. I guess the best relationships start out as friendships, no matter how short.

I was worried and scared that things were moving too fast, but what we had was undeniable. When we weren’t together, it felt like half of me was missing. When we were apart, it was as though a piece of my heart—much like my heart for my children—was walking around somewhere out there. I couldn’t have peace unless I knew that piece of my heart was safe. I knew he was my soulmate. Undeniably.

The Things People Said

All the while, I heard some very close family members make statements to strangers about me “being like this, going from man to man,” and saying things like, “That’s all she cares about is men and not her children.”Those statements hurt to my core. They devastated my heart, especially because they came from family members that should have been supportive, seen that I was happy and understood that I deserved to be happy and with someone who cared for me.

My family has always struggled with boundaries—as well as a lot of other toxic behaviors. I grew up with them, they still exist in the family as adults and unfortunately, some of our dysfunction has been passed down to our own children. But no one is perfect. They are family, so you forgive, over and over and over again. You make the peace without agreements and things get swept under the rug. You move on. But do you?

Families aren’t perfect. But sometimes there is toxicity that hurts your soul and makes you question yourself, your purpose, and even God’s will. This type of toxicity is not what anyone should deal with.

God tells us to forgive. I have done that, and I will continue to do that a thousand times.

But God never told us to be a doormat or to let people corrupt your character—who you are.I knew the things being said about me weren’t true of who I am, and especially weren’t true of who I am in Christ. I knew that God was leading my relationship, my choices and my decisions to marry a man that I know God lead me to.

Leading Up to My Wedding

There were so many hurts from so many different people in my life leading up to my wedding—people who were supposed to be by my side and weren't.If they were, it was very minimal. The support wasn’t there, and the judgment from most of my family was constantly felt even if unspoken.

Some people in my life were excited for me, but honestly, very few of my inner circle showed up for me.

We trudged forward, my husbands family were amazing at stepping up to the plate, being supportive, even if not agreeable and honestly, always made sure I was okay, through out the process, through out the big day and after. We had a lot of people show up, extended family, that are not a part of the inner circle toxicity that showed up. All of my aunts, who played a pivotal role in my upbringing showed up. That meant everything to me. My daughter came (although we spoke but two words to each other), my father did not. My oldest couldn't be there and there were some emotions with that for me. But there were people that did show up, did support and those were the people who mattered.

Requests of Others

I did ask for grace, understanding, and accountability when I brought my hurts to the one family member who mattered most to me before out wedding. Instead of discussion, acknowledgement and accountability, everything was turned around on me. I was verbally attacked. There was no accountability for the hurts repeatedly put upon me, despite the forgiveness I continued to give. And when I began asking for boundaries, those weren’t accepted either. That is when I had to withdraw and say enough is enough for my own sanity. That is where we are at today.

Due to asking for boundaries, suddenly, I became the villain. And that’s okay.I have often been the villain in people’s stories. I know my truth. I also accept my part in any toxicity or negative memories my families have had due to my decisions or actions but I won't continue to take upon those things and not be able to express when their actions hurt me or someone else.

Feeling Alone

Over the last year, so many things have been said, done, or not done to me that I have felt completely alone and isolated—like I’m on an island all by myself. Even married, even with my other children, stepchildren, in laws and furbabies around.

My husband has been such a support. He understands and has been very empathetic about how hard these past months have been.

And then, recently, I became a grandmother.

I wasn’t told for two days that he had been born. The only reason I knew was because my daughter texted me about the phone bill.

I haven’t been able to see him. I’ve had to go around asking family for information or pictures because my daughter will not share those things with me.

My heart is broken.

I constantly have to fight the urge to fall into depression and crying because of other people’s decisions to omit me from my first grandchild’s life.

Someday, he will know how much his Nona loves him and someday my family will understand that boundaries are okay, we all make mistakes, accountability is what matters and it is not just one person's role to fix things.

Here We Go Again

I know this has been an extremely long first return to blogging. If you made it this far, you’re probably thinking, Wow, that’s a lot.

Well…a lot has happened in two years.

Right now, my heart and mind are continuing to try to heal, and I guess this is where I’m going to process some of that—hoping that maybe it helps someone else along the way.

That has always been the point of this.

I’m thankful my oldest son reminded me of the importance of getting back to it.

So, here we go again. ❤️