A Long but MUST read!!!!

We are never told that life is going to be filled with heart and loss. We come into this world, innocent of wrong doings and brazen enough to think that the world is a beautiful and perfect place. Which it is beautiful, but less then perfect. It is filled with heartache, loss, trouble and snares. When we are younger, if we are lucky enough, we are encouraged with positivity and a thought process that helps us to perpetuates us forward into our future with hopes and dreams, making a way for a life created; hopefully, with love, positivity, experience and dreams that come true.

No one tells you about the things you will go through along the way, things that are difficult at best. The people you will lose, the negative road blocks that happen, the let downs or the devastations. I remember when I was 7 years old, I wanted to be a nurse just like my aunt. Someone who helped people, someone who delivered babies and made sick people well. I guess you could say taking care of people is in my nature. I never did become a nurse, I started but a couple months in, realized I had 2 kids at home, had to work a full time job to help support the household and was not going to be able to take second semester off from my life and just concentrate completely on nursing. So I did what a lot of people do and I quit.

Quitting nursing school was hard on me, I felt like I let a lot of people down, my family, my kids and myself. I wasn't sure what to do after that but I eventually found my way and years down the road I figured out what I really wanted to be when I grew up. With that being said, disappointment was a hard thing to recover from. I think when we let others down is one thing but letting ourselves down is a whole lot of another thing. It was not only a time of reflection and self-discovery but a time where I became a different person. At first maybe not a better person but eventually it became a learning block for the future version of me.

During my recovering from disappointment I lost two of my grandparents, both whom I was rather close to. First my maternal grandfather, than my maternal grandmother. Now I had experienced grandparent loss before, my paternal grandmother died when I was 7 years old. I was close to her as well and felt that death significantly but differently.

I remember to this day, not the last memory I have her but of the times where I would sit on the metal stool in her kitchen, while she walked from one end of the kitchen to the other, making yummy German food while talking to her family members on the phone in German. She had the yellow phone that hung on the wall, had the long cord that always seemed to get tangled eventually, especially the more she paced that kitchen floor moving from pots on the stove, to the refrigerator, to the sink and to the door that led to the basement where my grandpa would be tinkering down in his "man cave". That memory I will forever cherish. Man, I miss her smile and her cooking but most of all, to this day, I miss her! I will forever be grateful for the years I did get to have with her because those are some of my most wonderful and earliest memories! Although I miss her every day, I was young and did not fully understand grief at the time but every once in awhile, when I look at the dishes and old books I inherited from her, I think of her and smile and I am thankful I got to know her as a young child because she influenced a lot of who I became.

When my moms father died, I was in the throws of trying to work full time overnights and trying to go to school for nursing. I was struggling to keep my married afloat and in my mid twenties, still trying to figure out who I was. I was in my own little world, facing the giant of wanting to be better and do better for the sake of myself but more importantly for the sake of my children. Ironically, the expense it would have on them was unfortunate and I realized after a few months, not worth it. So I quit school. I remember feeling, at that time, it was all just too hard. I think the grief of losing my grandfather, my marriage slowly crumbling, my relationship with my mother being strained and the stress of raising two young children, both with significant mental/behavioral problems, wore me down. I was changing in many different ways and I guess you could say my heart was being twisted and turned and perhaps a little hardened during that season of my life. I was beginning to become a different person.

Eventually my marriage failed and we decided to separate and eventually divorce. At the end of that era, after I had moved into my own apartment, my grandmother's health declined significantly, she was now living in a nursing home and my mother was often there to see her daily, if not twice a day. By this time my mother and I had repaired our relationship somewhat and I attempted to be there for her and my grandmother when I could. Eventually Grandma grew tired, weakier and more lethargic. After several bouts of different medical concerns, Grandma was ready to go home. I will never forget the last day I saw her, the last day she died. No one was there that day I stopped in, it was just her and I. I was working at the clinic that day which was attached to the nursing home she lived at, so I stopped in right before my shift. I knew the sound, the look and the inevitable meaning of what was taking place, she was close to death.

I sat with her, tears rolled down my face as I sat in her room, on her chair that my aunts and uncles picked out for her. The tv quietly playing in noise in the background. Knowing that she would not want any of us to see her this way and knowing she was coming to the end. I rubbed the top of her hand with my thumb, looking at her hand, old and wrinkly yet familiar. It felt warm, yet cold at the same time, like she was already gone. A lot of memories flooded my thoughts that day and an overwhelming feeling of wanting her to have peace stood out. I knew that it was time for her to go home to be with Grandpa. I leaned down and said to her "It's okay Grandma, you can go. We will be ok." I kissed her on the forehead, placed her hand down at her side and told her I loved her before I left that day. That was the last memory I have her.

An hour later my grandma's primary provider came into the unit I was working at in the clinic. A physician I knew well and respected and who understood what my Grandma meant to us all. She came up to me and asked "Did you hear what happened?" I said "No." and she replied "Your grandpa passed." I broke down, right there in the bay of the unit. I will never forget some unfortunate cruel words that a co-worker said and I became instantly infuriated. My manager quickly realized I was no good to be there and released me from work. Calling my mom was one of the hardest things I had done in my life at that point; I don't remember if she had heard the news already or if I was the one who told her but I do remember the emotions, the pain and the short (but felt like eternity) drive to the nursing home that day.

I was very close to my grandmother. I loved her dearly, she loved everyone, except Robin Williams (HA!) and Rosie O'Donnell (Ha! Ha!) and maybe a few more "obnoxious celebrities' (as she would say)" . I loved her smile, her ability to show love without being overly affectionate and her calm demeanor that seemed to always make me feel better. She was a great loss and she is truly missed! But I will always remember those moments I had with her at the end, those moments I cherish amongst many other memories we made together.

Why am I reminiscing about this? Why talk about things that are so sad? I guess I am processing and sharing the grief process with you. I recently lost two very important people in my life. My best friends dad (step-dad but dad to her, who came into her life when we were around 11) passed away on St. Patrick's day and 2 1/2 months later her mom passed away as well. I have known their family since I was 9 years old. Her mom was my second mom and the loss of her suddenly was felt by so many people including myself. I miss her every day and her husband who was easy going, funny and loved everyone including me. The two of them together, although not perfect, worked. The loss of both of them in such a short period of time has been very significant on my life as well as the rest of their family and friends.

During the time we lost both of them a very good friend of mine was diagnosed with liver cancer. I have been there helping him through procedures to attempt to rid his body of the disease and yet the outcome became another fight, another tumor and with less than perfect odds of making it through. So I have been supportive in terms of helping him when his "stubborn" self will let. My fiancé and I painted his bathroom and I had done what I could to help him with some of the things he needs. This person is someone who means the world to me, someone who tells me like it is and isn't afraid of hurting my feelings. But he also has shown friendship, care and love in ways a lot of people don't understand. I appreciate him as a human being and the things he has done to be there for me and my kids through out our friendship. I can't imagine life without him but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about how I may lose him sooner rather than later. He is 22 years my senior and has significant health problems, the cancer just complicated that matter. Time is never our friend and eventually we all leave this earth, but for those of us left behind, it can be hard.

The reason I bring this part of my story up is because we spent this past weekend with him at a cabin up north. His brother helped him rent a place on a lake that meant something not only significantly to him but to me as well. He invited me, my fiancé and our kids as well as a couple of other friends of his up there. The lake where the cabin was rented this weekend, this friend had owned a cabin on it 25 years ago (eventually sold it), on the west side of the lake. Ironically, 25 years ago, on the east of the lake, I spent a lot of my summer weekends with my best friend and her family at her Grandpas cabin. The same cabin that now reminds me not only of the good memories made there but of the loss we have sustained this year and the loss I will eventually sustain in the future with my good friend, who is still fighting and not giving up. He doesn't have a estimated time given to him but his odds of survival are low at this point. It will be like losing another family member or losing my best friend, he IS one of my best friends. It will be hard, exhaustive, devastating and it will be significant whether its in the near or the far future, it will be felt greatly.

During our time at the cabin, I wasn't overly emotional. I was enjoying the moments, taking in the feelings of being on the lake, walking down to see the cabin I spent part of my teenage years in, driving the pontoon around until we found my friends old cabin, taking lots of pictures and enjoying family and friends. We made memories we will never forget and can only pray we get to make again next summer. Reality is, we may not. The important part of this story though is that I found the silver lining, I found the hidden gem of knowing that although in the future there may be heartache, this past weekend was a time for great memories, good moments, laughs and something I will forever cherish, as will my children.

You see life isn't promised to be rosy and perfect, there will be heartache and there will be loss. It is in these moments, in those memories where you find the heartbeat, where you still hear and see those people that leave us all too soon. The moments where you still feel their presence and know their happiness, their laugh, their love lives on.

I cried on the way home from our trip this weekend, I am not sure why. Maybe because I was sad it was over, maybe because all of the emotions flooded me at once after leaving somewhere that has been such a memorable place for me growing up, now during my adult life and now for my children. Maybe it was sadness for the loss I (and those I care deeply about) have went through or maybe its for the loss I will experience in the future.

Either way, tears fell down as my children sat quietly in the backseat and I listened to praise and worship music and in the end I realized life is about these moments, about the people that are with you, about the experiences and I am thankful I get to have all of it, even if just for a moment.