Desire.........

Desire comes in different forms. You can obtain it through another human being or you can create it for yourself. There is a huge difference between the types of desires though and I think we all crave a little of each of these kinds. One desire gives us the validation we seek from another and the other desire is a person we long to be or become; maybe even some one we are striving to catch up with just hoping to find that moment of complete contentment in being just who we are.

Desire between partners can look like so many things and show up in so many ways. For some people it is expressed by physical touch, others by words, some express it in the way one person looks at another or some may express it in the sheer giddiness they feel when they think of the other person. Whatever way it shows up for partners, the desire to be desired shows up. This can also lead to negative feelings, when one partner is not feeling desired, pursued, wanted, needed; the relationship suffers and if one is idol and blinded to the fact that desire is needed, it can cause turmoil, grief, resentment and even lead to the end.

Most of my main intimate relationships in my life have had struggles in these areas. Typically, I was told, I was too needy. Wanting to be wanted, desired and pursued; that's too needy? Wanting to be desired may have some sexual connotation for some but that is not what I want to focus on in this blog tonight and that is not what I am talking about when talking about being desired. What I want to focus on is the sheer desire to be desired. The need that lives in each one of us that wants to be pursued, that wants to feel beautiful, feel validated, feel wanted, feel seen. This isn't just sexual. This is so much more than that.

Being seen, let's start there. What does that mean to you? To be seen? Does that mean you want to be heard? Want others to know how you feel? Be loved? Be touched (not in a sexual manner)? For me, being seen means that I want to be told I look nice or even better, that I look beautiful, especially when it is obvious that I have tried. Tried to be seen. Being seeing means listening to me when I am speaking to you, understanding when I am trying to tell you I need to feel desired, I need a connection, I need more. Than following through with behaviors that reiterate your understanding of what I need and how I want to be desired.

Let's rewind to touch. Touch can of course be sexual in nature, this is fairly obvious and is clearly defined in the moment of complete chemistry where one or both people have a desire to become far more intimate than a peck on the cheek. The touch I am talking about is like the soft, graceful brush of a hand on the lower part of your back, making you feel not just wanted or desired, but seen. The touch can be simply putting your hand on my face as we lean in for an intimate kiss. Non-sexual touch. The touch can be as simple a kiss every time you walk in the door, even just a peck, that tells you, I see you, I am glad to be coming home to you or glad to be seeing you again. Not sexual, but seen.

How about being heard. How does that play into desire? Desire comes in so many different ways and one of those ways is being desired for your mind, for your heart, for your kindness, for your love, for who you are. This is not only being seen but its being heard. Listening shows that you desire to know the other person better, that you are there, present and engaged in the conversation. Of course listening to someone doesn't always create a desire like that but for partners, for couples, this creates the most significant intimacy there is. Forget sexual, although needed in a long term relationship, right now we are talking about just "desire".

What about self desire? How do we define that? Chasing after our dreams? Reading self-help books, attending seminars, doing what we can to become better versions of ourselves. This is where we find the greatest strength and yet we are the weakest at doing. This is where we find the most amazing desire. For me, that leads me to desire the Lord; to follow Him and to know He desires me in return. Remembering that I am worthy, I am chosen and I am loved. I am wanted, I am free, I am forgiven and I am redeemed. There is no greater desire for me in the world; but I am also human.

So why bring all this up and share it with all of you tonight? Because I am struggling in all of these areas in my life. Of course, this waxes and wanes and sometimes I feel desired by my partner, by myself, even sometimes by my God. Sometimes I don't. Right now I don't feel desired by my partner, I don't feel desired by myself but I do feel desire from the Lord and know I am desired by Him.

I know the Lord gave us urges, feelings, thoughts and connections (to Himself and between us and other human beings) and so I sometimes question why he would put a feeling, a thought, a desire into our heads AND let us have the freedom to feel, think and want these things but than tell us we must be strong. Don't do this. Can't touch that. Stop sinning like that. This is something I wonder about often especially for those of us who maybe have been on both sides of the spiritual fence. It is so hard to leave the fleshly desires, because after all we are human.

For me it is to follow God first and foremost, falling into my flesh happens. With that being said, sometimes our flesh can lead us down the wrong path or tell us the wrong things and so as I processed this all tonight and put it down into words, I realize I have to focus on what I want to desire, who I need to desire me and who I hope will someday realize that I am a gift to be desired.

By focusing on the who I want to desire, how I need to desire myself, than the right desire will come from another. I can only express myself in a healthy manner and try to share with someone what I need and how I would like to feel desired. But first I need to figure that out for myself and right now, right now I don't think I am chasing after what I need to, desiring myself first and foremost and certainly not feeling desired by my partner. These are all things that will need to change, not because I want to have a sexual relationship with my partner (rather I would like to grow deeper in connection with him) or that I am trying to get my way into Heaven (because Lord knows we all fall short of the Glory of God) but rather because I know that as human beings we are complex, we have many parts, they all have to watered and taken care of and be healthy and now that, that is something to desire.