Change

It has been a busy time in my life this month. So many things going on, good and bad. Some days I feel like I am swimming up river and there is a rope attached to a boulder pulling me under. The last couple of days have felt that way. I am beginning a new adventure and couldn't be happier for what the future holds, but unfortunately it is been clouded by hard emotions that will have to be recognized, understood and eventually healed from. My heart is aching and my heart is joyful. Strange how they can both exist in one place.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and our family has experienced a tragedy this week. A tragedy that breaks my heart and makes me think about the families who suffer this same pain, all the time, every day. It will be a pain that never goes away, it may lessen slightly but it will never go away. This type of pain changes us.

I can't help but think about how reality was different 48 hours ago and within a split second things changed. Life changed, for my daughter, for her friends, for her friends family and for me. A loss that is so devastating that it is hard to comprehend. A love that will forever be there, with the feelings of sorrow and pain and memories that will always be cherished.

Change can be scary, it can be amazing, it can be a good thing, it can be a bad thing and it can be anything from small too huge. We never know when life will change, when the river will bend and we will discovery what is around the corner. Life is ever changing, constantly teaching us lessons. It is our choice to decide how we use those lessons for the good in ourselves. For me that is helping others, for me that is being in a space where I feel I belong and am accepted, where I feel I can contribute and help change peoples lives as well as my own. A purpose, thats what drives me, even during a hard change.

These last 48 hours I have had to process feelings, understand that it's not about me and I have tried my hardest to be there for my daughter. A mother and daughters relationship is very complicated. At times my relationship with my own mother has been strained, lost in the mud of imperfections, human nature and not forgiving each other. It is good to remember that we are all human beings, we all make mistakes and we all need to be a little more gentle with each other especially when large events are going on in someones life, good or bad. My relationship with my own daughter has had it's ups and downs. When she was younger I was disregulated, I was angry, I was hurting and I was not healed. I didn't even realize it at the time that I was unhealthy, toxic, hardened. I didn't realize the damage I was doing then and I have asked for forgiveness for those things from both of my children. I grew up knowing one way of parenting, thinking that my emotions didn't matter so I treated my children's emotions like they didn't matter. I found forgiveness for myself now that I am on the healing journey, but it doesn't change how I was then. Of course there were good times growing up too, lots of laughs, fun memories that I will forever remember and the same goes for my daughters childhood, it wasn't always butterflies and rainbows but there are memories that we made and I will cherish for the rest of my life.

All of our lives are intertwined with good and bad moments. It is how we move forward, learning from the bad moments and holding on to good moments, deciding to change our lives. Change is what makes us who we are, pushes us to our limits and helps us to continue growing. After change we are not the same as we were before, that's the point.

As the days move forward, as the grieving process continues for the loss of my daughters friend, as new bright things happen (like starting a new job that I have been wanting) and as the holiday season comes and goes, I will truly be thankful. I will try to be present. I will try to be kinder. I will do my best to love those around me, accepting the changes and understanding all of us will never be the same and thats ok.

~ Blessings