De-press-on and Peri-Meno-pissed

People don't tell you about the terrible emotions you feel when in depression or going thru what some call perimenopause (which I am certain I am in). Some people don't feel anything at all, others feel everything all at once and than there are the lucky few (that's me) that feel it all at once. Both overwhelming emotion and a mass void of nothingness all at the same time. Accompanied by moodiness, hot flashes, anxiety, achey body, headaches and more.

Perimenopause is what us women have to endure because of what Eve did all of those years ago in the Garden of Eden. The significant others in our lives job is to stand by our side and help us thru it. Depression is from the devil, I know that. When I fall into it I continously pray to get out of it. During that time though, I feel nothing like myself. I hate being in this state, I know who causes it and I know I need to get out of it. Sometimes it just takes time.

For me, it lasts maybe a day or two but lately it seems to rapid cycle.

Like a tornado let loose on my emotions and in my head and I can't stop it. My emotions are all over the place, one minute I am crying and the next minute I want to punch a hole in the wall. Some say it's an anger problem, others say I am overemotional, and some say I am crazy. It isn't and I am none of those things. I have to continously remind myself I am a child God and no matter what others say, I am nothing less than that.

You see last night I had the worst panic attack of my life. My significant other and I got into it. One of those very heated, very upsetting and sometimes unkind fights. Where one of us says something (not nice) to get the others reaction and than of course the other person reacts by responding with hurtful words, anger and frustration. Those hurtful words now are pieces we must pick up and heal from.

After the argument I had the worst panic attack I have ever had in my life. It felt like every nerve in my body was screaming and shaking out of pain, fear, anger, hurt and so much more. My body felt like a freight train that was unable to stop and would crash and burn before healing ever took place. It wasn't just because of the argument and it wasn't just because of one particular thing. It was everything, everything I have go ing on in my life. I was overloaded. Situational, circumstantial, emotionally, physically, etc. My body and my mind got off track and had no idea how to get back on the track. I took a medication which seemed to help my body be able to start to calm down and my SO helped calm me down by reminding me to breath, rubbing my back, reminding me I was in control. Crazily enough our argument, the hurtful things we both said and the series of events and situations I have had going on put me into that state. Ironically my significant other was the only thing (with a little help from medication) that could calm me back down. I was on the verge of going to the ER and my SO was able to help me and walk me thru the ability to take deep breathes, calm myself down and relax enough to be able to sleep some.

I wont lie it was scary, I have rarely been in that kind of state where I thought maybe I needed to go to the hospital and My mind was spinning and not connecting with my body at least not enough to slow down.

Why do I share this? I don't know I guess because I promised this would be like my diary. A chance for those who read it to be able to feel like they aren't alone in all of the troubles they go thru, whether relationship wise, sel-care wise, family wise, emotional/mental wise. I guess this is where I opened the door to share with you the troubles I have in hopes to help heal and process this thing in this place called life.

Today I woke up feeling like a completely differently person. It felt like i was seeing kife thru a new lens. I know it sounds cliche, but its the truth. I cried out to the Lord last night first by prayer and later praying out of great pain and agony. As I was crying and shaking I begged Him to have it stop. My body felt like it was burning, I was sweating so much that my clothes were drenched. I had no control over what was going on or at least i thought I didnt. Holy Spirit showed up this morning and reminded me that refining burns. When God is taking things off of us, healing us, pushing us forward, preparing us, making us stronger, lifting us up, it's usually not comfortable. He has to bring us thru those things in order for Him to work what He needs to be able to change our hearts. I woke up feeling different and I knew why. I was being refined and healed last night. Funny thing that I would feel depression today and exhaustion.

Today my soul, my flesh, my spirit are all tired. There is a depression that has set in that I know I will need to shake. I can't stay here. I need to trust that God knows what He is doing. He brought me thru the fire and He will carry me out of it. Some days are just harder, more exhausting and a bit more emotional than others.

So between perimenopause and being exhausted from last nights argument, anxiety and quite frankly, spiritual attack, the depression has set in. Of course I need to make a doctor's appointment to have some things checked out medically but I also need to continously pray. Pray for the release of depression, pray that my relationships (all of them) continue to move forward, pray to continue to grow and become what God has called me to be. Without Him none of this or any of that matters. So for now I will take pause but I will not take my eye off of Him. Right now I just need to sit I the silence.

So today is a recovery day and today I am ok with that.