Drawing Me Close

I am a always thinking, worrying, wondering, planning and creating scenarios in my head that haven't even happened yet. I don't realize I am doing this until i am knee deep in anxiety stricken symptoms. This includes a racing heart, sweaty palms, labored breathing, sometimes a headache and the occasional dizziness. You see, I am a bit of a control freak. Not a control freak like a military Sargent but a control freak as in, if I don't know what is going on, what is going to happen or what I am going to do in the next 24 to 72 hours, I get anxiety. Sometimes I find myself swimming in the pool of anxiety. Never feeling alone yet always feeling alone. It is a strange place. Those with anxiety, depression, trauma, PTSD, etc. understand.

By default, I complain, I whine, I get cranky, or I shut down. Sometimes the stress of it all, the stress of life just catches me at the wrong moment and I turn into this person I don't understand or want to be. You see, I was always the fixer, always the one who needed to be the constant, always the one who would swoop in and save the day. Was this healthy? I wouldn't say that. Was it family orientated? Certainly. After all, I was told growing up, all that matters is family. Not self, but family. I am not sure, even to this day where I fall on the spectrum of worrying, caring, taking care of and doing things, for the family or for myself. Some days its more for myself, other days its more for the family. That is easy to do when you are a single mom and so much on your plate. You don't have time for, ME. But this past 7 days has been very hard to navigate and too understand. I have had a lot of questions, cried a lot of tears and really re-evaluated things from a whole different perspective.

What happens when we don't make that time for ourselves? For me, I slip into this person that I don't like to be around, little alone like to be towards others. I become the remnants of a woman who is just tired, exhausted and begging for someone to come and just pick up the reigns, take over, make the decisions, and let me put my feet up, take a deep breathe and relax. BUT that doesn't happen. I have to keep going, I have to keep moving, I have to keep finding ways to make things work. So I do. I keep going. Maybe that is my Mama's strength, maybe my dads but I know where it comes from and that is above. This past week showed me that when pain and grief are too hard to bear, God is right there, with open arms, just waiting for you to lay your burden down. But why don't I? Why do I struggle so much but can give advice to others and suggest that God is just waiting to lay the burden down. I think it is much easier for me to help guide others because I am not focusing on me, my issues, my problems. It keeps my head and heart busy, but in the end I leave myself with an empty cup, or do I?

You see, sometimes, even for a moment, I feel like I can breathe and for me, that is when I can take a minute, mediate or pray, talk to God for a little bit and realize that during those times, I need to let Him lead. I need to lay those worries, lay those burdens, lay the pain and hurt, lay it all at His feet. I am focusing on the wrong thing. We are focusing on the wrong thing. God just wants us to focus on Him, to ask and be hopeful, to give and to receive. You see He creates those moments, no matter how big or small to fill in those desires, those needs and those worries.

We had a tragedy in my family last week (3 days before Thanksgiving) that will forever stay with me and my daughter for the rest of our days. My daughter lost a dear friend last Monday and it was devastating. A young girl, whose life was taken too soon. A young girl that could have very well been my own daughter, or me (when I have made the wrong choice, I have done it a time or two). In that moment, that night, I thought to myself the pain that so many people will feel from this, it will be felt for a long time across a lot of miles and it did. It has. It does. How could it not?

I pray for the young girls family, my heart breaks for her syblings, her parents and her friends. I can't imagine the pain they must be going thru and I hope God uses me in whatever capacity He needs to, to help them. Because no one expects things like that to happen. We forget sometimes how lucky we are and we throw caution to the wind and forget to be grateful for what is right in front of us, even thru the mud and the muck.

Thanksgiving brought bitter sweetness for my daughter and I and I am sure the young girls family. I looked around I was thankful for what I did have, no matter the dysfunction, no matter the heartache or the tension; I was thankful for the very family I sometimes want to run away from. Not because I don't love them and am not grateful but rather because I just sometimes need and want a break. I am thankful God showed me that I should be thankful this Thanksgiving to have all my children still here on this earth, to be able to spend my holiday with loved ones and to be able to enjoy the good moments even when there are some bad moments.

Thanksgiving was of course ushered in with all the food staples, the preparations, the stress and everything else that comes with it but what happened during conversation that day hit me like a brick (my daughter even more so, God bless her broken heart). There were some discussions at the table that included things like, dying and the subject of addictions. It made my daughter uncomfortable, it made me uncomfortable. We had to take space and feel those emotions and let them flow thru and out. We cried, we hugged and we got ourselves back together and rejoined the family, even though it was hard, even though our hearts were and are still broken. Only a few short days before we were standing in a house with people that had just suffered one of the greatest losses you can imagine and from that day forward that moment would live with my daughter and I, forever etched in our memory. Somehow I am thankful that I was able to be there for my daughter but also I wish I had never had to endure this families pain. Just two days later, a wake was done, a moment for the family to say goodbye, a day before almost everyone in this country celebrates things to be thankful for. It was so hard, I wasn't sure what to do. Should I go in? Should I give my condolsences? Should I sit in the car while my daughter went in with her friends and their family? I wasn't sure, I am still not sure I handled it correctly but I prayed, oh my, did I pray. I prayed while my daughter was inside and than in my side mirror of my car I saw my daughter walking out of the funeral home, bawling. Absolutely wrecked by what she was going thru. I got out of the car and gave her a hug. I will never forget what she said to me: Mom, I wanted to pray but I didn't know what to pray. Will you pray? My heart shattered, I was obviously glad she came and asked to pray, but I knew her heart was so broken that even than she couldn't put the words together to call out to God. I did that for her, we stood in the parking lot, her crying, me holding her, fighting back tears myself. It is a moment I will never forget.

The rest of the day all I could think of is how my emotions would switch from being devastated and extremely sad, too angry, too peaceful, too rigid, and then went right back thru them all again, over and over and over. Thanksgiving was such a hard day but it also made me realize, we never know what others are going thru. We never know what part of their walk they are on here on this earth and sometimes we just need to be kind, because we may be the only kindness they see in this world. Trauma, devastation, dysfunction, these are all negative words and yet beautiful things can be born from them all. A little kindness, goes a long way. Remembering that we ourselves are not the only important thing, that others matter too. But also, being able to take the moments to make space for our own experiences, our own emotions, our own thoughts; this I have discovered is ok too and important.

Stress, anxiety, worry; those are all things that come and go depending on what is going on in life. These are not permanent and as I continue to realize during this time of more seclusion and separation from others in my life, my God is drawing me nearer to understand, to be present, to face the burdens that He himself went thru and that others go thru because in the end, life isn't about ME; its about Him and ALL the children He is calling back. I just get to go along for the ride.