"Ringing" it ......

I know it has been a minute since I wrote in here and I have thought about coming on here a million times over and for some reason I didn't. I know now that was a mistake and will remember, when I need to cry out, when I need to share what I am going thru or what thoughts I have running thru my head, I have you here to listen .....So here is the latest on my brain.....in my heart and now written down for you all to read.

I have been married twice. The first marriage, we were young, in love and I became pregnant. It seemed like the right thing to do. When you are that age, you really don't understand the true depths of what all of that means. Love is a new thing, especially for me. I had never had a long term relationship except for the couple puppy dog loves I had in elementary and middle school. I was now 20 years old and pregnant. I loved my fiance, of course, that's why I married him but we didn't really know and understand love, not like you do when you are in your thirties or forties. As time passed, we grew apart and started to realize we weren't the same people we were when we initially got married, that marriage lasted 7 years. I got two beautiful children from that marriage so I regret none of it, some of it was painful and some of it was beautiful. For that I am thankful.

My second marriage, well, to be honest, should have never happened. I regretted it the moment I got back to our backyard reception and found that my now mother in law had replaced my cake topper with the one she and my new brother-in-law and his wife, thought was funny. A groom being dragged to the alter by the bride was hardly funny to me. After some deep breathes and my best friend reminding me to continue to take deep breathes thru out the evening, I had this gut wrenching realization, I knew I should have never gotten married. Fast forward a year later, it felt like a lifetime and our lives were in shambles. Addiction and alcoholism had crept its evil way back in and destroyed the little bit of sanity I thought I had left. Emotional and mental abuse were a daily ingredient and many tears fell along with my self esteem, my abandonment issues and my endless need to feel loved. Needless to say that marriage lasted 2 years (marriage to divorce), which was 2 years too long.

Now I find myself in a relationship that has gone far slower than I have ever had but I have learned to be patient. I have learned some things take time. But I guess I write today because my patience has grown to frustration and sadness. I am a completely different person than I was with my first two marriages. I have found my way back to my faith, I have found that God is to always be the center of whatever I do. I strive every day to be a good steward of God's love and to do what is right and faithful to Him. I realize now, that all those years ago, I wanted what I didn't have, a relationship that had God at the center of it (I just never knew thats what I wanted or needed). I always wondered why I was never put first in my marriages. I had this deep incline of what a relationship should be, first the spouse than the children but in reality I was missing a piece, that piece was God.

God must be the center of our lives, including our relationships, both romantically and platonically. Then comes our spouse, then comes our children. I know I will have a lot of people say that your children should come first, perhaps in this day and age, that sounds correct but for me, as a Christian and follower of Christ, I want to base my relationships off of what the bible tells me and the bible tells me: First God, then spouse, then children. It seems right, it seems like it should work, but it rarely does. Because of our society and the way we have been taught. Why is that? Is it me? Am I asking for something that doesn't exist anymore? Am I waiting for something that my partner just can't give me? Maybe I am expecting too much from him? Am I expecting too much from me? Do we really understand and know what God want's for us? So many questions, I still do not have the answers.

I don't want to be married for the sake of being married. I have been with my partner for 4 years, almost 5 (in January). I love him deeply, more so than I have ever loved before because I have realized that loving someone, is loving their flaws, loving the good and the bad, loving them in sickness and in health, trying to understand them, trying to lift them up, helping them to reflect on God and praying thru the hard times and the good times, together. And when the going get's tough, we are each others ride or die. At least that's what I think it is suppose to look like. Unfortunately, that is not what I feel at the moment or how my relationship goes a lot of the time.

My heart yearns for the desire to be wanted, to be seen, to be heard. Someone who will pray with me every day, make plans for the future, talk about "us" and "our family" and most importantly talk to with me about God, read scripture, go to church together, find other couple friends with whom we have things in common with. Isn't that every woman's desire? For her partner to see her. To recognize when she needs him. To understand when she doesn't. To remind her to pray when things are tough and the road doesn't appear clearly. To seek first God and the kingdom, serving Him and spreading the gospel to others, together. It really is a matter of wanting to serve God first and then finding out way thru the mess together.

You see, I am just like every other person on this earth, wanting to be loved, wanted to be cared for, wanting to not be shut out when the world gets dark but rather be held and pulled thru the darkness. I want God to be the center of the relationship, guiding us to become something neither of us could accomplish on our own or together without Him. I want us to share the gospel with other people both believers and non, as a team, as a powerhouse, as God intended for us. Unfortunately, right now, because we are not married, not in a Godly relationship, those doors don't open. Are we holding each other back? I am afraid I don't want to know the answer, I would rather just make it right with God, do as He has asked us. Yet, I am only half of the equation.

Marriage to me now is a sacrament. It is a statement, it is a hope in the faith we have found in our relationship with God and with each other. Getting married is not just for the sake of getting married. Of course it feels good to be marrying someone you love but the house won't stand if it is not built on the rock of God! I know that now, I never did before. For the first time in my life, I realize that marriage is a communion between two people who God has brought together, who decide they want to do life together, they want to chase after what the Lord has laid out before them, as a team, together. And what can be accomplished when two people come together to do that, no one knows but God.

I wonder how long I will wait to have my partner be on the same page as me and if he never gets on the same page, what will happen to my heart if I walk away. I am terrified of both scenarios, getting married and walking away. They both give me anxiety but they both make sense in their own right. I don't want to feel like I did that day at my reception, like I drug my groom to the alter to marry me. I want my partner to marry me because he believes I am the best thing that has ever happened to him (no matter how bad the hard parts have been). I want someone to want to chase God's dreams with me and be a powerhouse that no one saw coming until they saw us coming, together. I also want to serve the God I love, trust and want to obey because at the end of the day marriage is a covenant between two people and God, not our government, not our family, not our friends but us and God. That is what is important. God's will for us.

There is no other marriage I want besides that. It takes three to tie a bond so tight that can not be broken or unravelled. The bones are good, the scripture is sound, the word of God is true and that is why I want to be married again because I know that is what God wants, He loves the family unit. He believes in birth, hope, life in a relationship that is built on His rock. Unfortunately, the enemy hates all those things and continues to try to destroy anything that remotely looks like a family. He hates to see love and hope rise from something, especially because he knows he can see God in every bit of it. When he destroys the very thing God built, before it even begins (ending relationships before a marriage of God and two souls bonded). I hate that the enemy wins, time and time again. Destroying families, ending marriages, ending relationships before they even begin, destroying faith and hope in someone's heart. This is the enemy's doings. God wants nothing more than for us to be healed, to love and to spread His word to others. He wants us to do that together, in fellowship but more importantly in family units.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this except some sadness because I know what God wants, because it is what He tells us thru out his word. I joke around with my partner but in reality my heart is breaking because I know that God could create such a powerhouse thru us if we would abide and live in and by His word. These words have been spoken over me and my partner a multitude of times and yet I feel as though my partner has deaf ears. I sit and wait hoping that one day he will see my worth and see what God wants to create. I pray that His eyes are open sooner rather than later and his heart is made content in the understanding of the importance of God's will for our relationship. Man, all the doors that could be opened if we just listened and obeyed. The blessings we could receive when we oblige our Lord and do as we are asked instead of continuing to try to do our will.

How long will I wait, you ask? I don't know. I keep giving it a timeline but maybe that isn't a good idea because I keep pushing the time line back because I don't want to walk away, I love this man. God has shown me how to love Him even when I didn't want to and vice versa, I am no easy pill to swallow at times either (I know shocking lol). God has told me to stay even when I wanted to end it all, walk away, because that would have been easier. I have cried out at night wishing that God would remove the walls in my partners heart. Now that I am laying this out in words maybe all along I needed to pray for strength for myself to know when it is time to stay and when it is time to leave. Maybe I just need to get out of the way and let God do the rest