Taking The Time

Lots of people have told me or have shown me that they don't have time for me. Some of those people are still in my life but a lot of them have moved on, either by my choice, their choice or God's choice.

I use to spend time begging (so to speak) other people to make time for me, to put in the effort, to help the relationship (whatever kind that it was, romantic, friendship, work,etc.) become better, to move forward, to grow. I use to be the girl standing in the street, screaming for anyone who would listen, hoping that one person, just one would want to be their effort into me. This isn't something that is new for me, I have done it since I was 7 years old. 7!

At 7 years old, I no longer felt like I was heard, I didn't feel like I was seen and almost the whole rest of my childhood and adolescence, I didn't feel that I was loved. So as an adult, of course, I would feel similar, I would seek out, I would try to make people want to love me, want to be there for me, want to grow with me. I tried everything! I tried being funny, I tried being cute, I tried being good, I tried to join the bad habits if that what others were doing, I would try to fit in, I would try and try and try. Yet it didn't get me what I wanted. It still doesn't so I admit I pull away, I separate myself from those who continously don't show up or can't show up.

It's a lesson I think we all continue learning as we age. I am learning more and more that rhe person who shows up for me, is me. It's an added bonus if those I care about show up for me too, but I don't rely on it anymore. Some would say that is sad, some would say that is unfortunate and I suppose in some ways it is BUT I also know I am stronger in myself because of others not showing up.

What I want you to know from all of this, all those times I felt ignored, I felt unloved, I felt abandoned, I felt alone, I felt unseen were times that I was becoming stronger for myself.

You see it wasn't the who, it wasn't the what it, it wasn't them,it wasn't someone else. It was me. Sure they didnt showing up but eventually I stopped showing up for them too. I realized that those who choose not to show up, those who choose to not put effort, those who treat me.liIke an option, a back burner place holder or someone they don't need to put an effort in, eventually won't receive any of my attention, my love, my time or anything else from me, back.

You see I was looking for myself, for me to show up, for me to keep pushing, for me to be the one. Sure, I would love to rely on others, especially a significant other, a best friend, a close family member,etc. but than I remember......and have to continue to always remind myself ......God didn't make human beings perfect, they are all flawed and sometimes even I don't show up for others sometimes and sometimes I don't show up for myself but in the end I know I will keep trying to showing up for both myself and others, I will keep putting my heart on the line, keep loving those who don't show me the respect of loving me back (at least not in the ways I need) and most importantly God always, always, always shows up for me, will always, always, always love me and He is proud of me!!!!! In the end, that's all that matters!!

Good Night Friends!!!!!!