The Road I am on and The Patterns That I Have Found

I recently have been watching/listening to Dr. Jordan Peterson. A great in our current psychology world. his philosophies have created a following of people who feel understood, who are inspired, who can not only feel like we can relate to what he is saying but feels like he is one of us. He is figuring it out along the way. He just shares what he finds and it is fascinating to me.

At times he shares things about his beliefs and his faith, other time he is very logical in his articulation of what he wants others to know and than the next time, he is so emotional that you can feel his pain thru the screen or the speaker that you are listening thru. He is a human being, who has been thru a lot of things in life! He has walked the road and he now shares with others what he has learned.

Isn't that what we are all doing, learning, going thru the motions, figuring out what this thing called life means? We must find the beauty because in that we find hope. During those brief moments, you find happiness and then you are hit again with stress and hell.

Dr. Peterson shares about how awful it is when people are standing around a death bed and they are fighting, creating painful memories around an already overwhelming emotional situation and in the end it leaves scars. Scars that may never be healed, bridges that may never be rebuilt. So what do we do? We do better. Every day trying to be a better version of ourselves. Healing our traumas, our painful memories and understanding that scars are nothing more than a reminder of what God has healed us from and the work we put into it to help Him create a new creature in us.

Tonight, I had a panic attack. A lot of things going on in my life and I felt overwhelmed, underachieved and in a state of hopelessness. I vented to a friend, talked to my sister, focused on things I needed to do (homework) and found my way to another video of Dr. Peterson. It reminded me of the workshop I am currently going thru. We were asked on Tuesday (yes I am behind a couple days) to think of our patterns. So I started thinking about my patterns as I watched the videos, one after another, of Dr. Peterson sharing his wise philosophies. What did I take from all of that? I realized I knew I had patterns a long time ago. Those patterns are fueled by past traumas. I know that I am on a journey of healing, especially the last week or so. I have slipped up, fell into my old patterns but I have this crazy self awareness that makes me reflect and understand I am not the only problem but also that I am part of the problem.

You see, I never have felt like an adult, even at 40 years old. I think that is why I react in such an explosive negative way when someone talks down to me, treats me like a child or acts like I don't know what I am doing or can't do what needs to be done in my life. It hurts me, it makes my already self aware weakness even worse, but it also fuels me. It fuels me to do better, look at how I handled a situation (a pattern) and change it the next time around. Do I do it perfect every time? No. What I do do is reflect and understand my part in each situation. I remember to control what I can control and release the rest. My response is my responsibility, everybody else's is their responsibility.

I require respect, I require love, I require affection, I require being a priority, I require to be given space and I require to be held. I am, we all are, creatures of great depth. Once we realize who we are for ourselves and what we believe we deserve, we will get exactly that, whether good or bad.

So my decision to continue to self improve, self reflect and self understand will be continuous journey of self-advocacy, determination, discipline and understanding that I won't always get it right. But dammit I am on the road, heading north, looking for what corner I want to turn next.